A Cat Like Mine

So it’s true.

I may be headed on the path of a crazy cat lady but evidently not until I’m financially independent.

Chezz is my baby & so, this blog is dedicated to her.

So after a long amount of dreary posts; I can’t help but to praise my little one in any way possible. Because she, most likely, is quite like myself in nature.

As dad said, destiny brought us together. I could have had any kitten or cat I wanted but my heart was set on her.

Though I’ll be the first to admit that I sure had my doubts in the early days. When she wasn’t the cuddly love bug I first though she would or was compared to from my previous experiences of other cats.

But time would prove her very much bonded to me & me only.

HSC brought out the worst in me & the best in her. She constantly kept me company & with a study companion like her, how could I not pass with flying colours?

Another sweet story I could say is that when my sister, someone who Chezz usually avoids because of her high energy levels, was upset; Chezz was one of the first to bring comfort by sitting on her lap; something my sister had long desired & something I usually get at least once a week at the computer.

There’s not much else to say except in my eyes, she’s family.

Words cannot describe how much I love my little furr-baby.

♥

CRAZY BITCH; SPARROCLAWS; TRAITOR.

I found this fabulous new site: FMyLife. Which is almost precisely I have been feeling as of late; the X on my wrist reminds me of the mental pain I must have suffered which pushed me to turn to that kind of alternative. I had MISSED cutting myself. As surprising as that sounds. Those ugly marks on my wrist which causes everyone to suck their breath in when they see the ugly redness of the scab marking the pale underbelly of my wrist. It’s just one step away from shooting myself outright (which could be messy).

Everything in terms of friendship at school, which could go wrong, has.

LONG story.

And I’m in need of finishing a 6 page Business essay which was issued to us almost a month ago. By tomorrow.

Also, I got my half-yearly report back today.

Fuck my life.

.:I tried to be someone else; but nothing seemed to change. I know now, this is who I really am inside:.

“Look in my eyes
You’re killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you”

My topic for today is unrequited love.

But first, a shout out to a made of win friend of mine; the one and only ANH. This is for you.

No no, it’s not a sign. Or maybe it is. I shall be cryptic. If I remember correctly, your PM once said,” “Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. — Charlie Brown”

I think that’s better than the one you have now; that sick pun on carebears. INTENSIVE care bears. How could you?? KiddingILY!

Anyhow; to begin with the topic, I begin with problems of my own. My want of a boy who will amiably lend me his warmth in the form of a hug whenever I wish without groping for my tits. The ultimate satisfaction, no? Well my search for that kind of boy doesnt seem to be going very well, oh no. If  I had an ad in the paper, it’d simply say:

“Seeking a decent guy that can be compared to the likes of Chuck Bass.”

Followed by rows of love hearts and ZOMFGILCHUCKBASSBBQLOLZ.

Not that any guy like that will turn up unless it was the character Chuck Bass himself who I’d…

(:

Anyhow.

I was thinking through my love interests through life and I’ve noticed a pattern. They’re all of a rebel nature. Bad boys… waiting to be saved by some naive person like me, no? Or that’s how I see it. I’m quite attracted to “bad boys”. It’s a “bad thing”.

So there’s Mr D.Who has that lusty nature so similar to Chuck. And Mr S. Who has that charm so similar to Chuck. And Mr M. Who has the looks so similar to Chuck.

Such a shame though; I have yet to meet anyone with the financial positioning similar to Chuck.

Moving on. So my latest is Mr M who has a girlfriend; that fact well established. Though I feel he continues to pursue me; which puzzles my self righteous nature in the matter of relationships. That’s that.

Now, the second matter of today is to see unrequited love from the outsiderxinsider view.

2 friends of mine. One girl. One boy. Can anyone even fathom what happens?

Well, one sure falls for the other. Falls down hard. Poor poor ________.

I shall not even speak the gender of the roles; it’s that secret.

But basically, it’s bittersweet as they all say.

So I say.

Love is a bittersweet thing.

Better to let it alone till it hits you in the face, no?

LOVE YOU.

(:

“These children learn from cigarette burns, fast cars, fast women, and cheap drinks (it feels right). All these asphyxiated, self-medicated; take the white pill, you’ll feel alright ♥

I’m loving 3Oh!3 at the moment. With lyrics such as:

Don’t stop don’t let it (oh),
Freeze up your trembling lips,
Don’t you regret it (oh),
Cos you can bet that this won’t even ever happen again.

So hold me close tiny dancer,
The only thing I’ve got’s this electrorock answer,
I saw a picture on the canvas,
Baby’s got a ciggy and he lets her know she’s cancerous.

Holla.

Anyhow.

It’s the holidays. Not much of a holiday but y’know; I’ve got restraints. Went to school today for textiles. Finished the collar which was a bitch of a thing to do. Stupid stupid machine sewing. Stupid stupid me with my crappy neat shit skills. Highlight of the day? Free ice cream and watching Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging. I think that’s what it was called; anyhow, it was one smooth movie I liked. (:

My social life isn’t too bad; I’m taking everything in flow. Gotta keep everything in check y’know, which I think I’m kind of achieving. Love life? Pft. Who needs boys? Friends are good enough for me. Basically, it took a really good friend of mine to ring the alarm bells of this aspect of life.

Anyhow; this was just a quickie update. I’ve gotta go smooth my legs (hairy shit from lack of wax :/), pick out clothes for tomorrow’s city outting && eat dinner.

Dang I’m one busy cityslicker.

HOLLA!

Stab my back;; cause it’s better if I bleed for you.:

“Here in this carload, I am Hinda; Tell him that I…”

- Dan Pagis

This poem really appeals to me. Somewhat. This appropriation of it is all I remember. The full verse is too biblical in a sense that I see myself as an agnostic which is ironic cause I sometimes believe in God.

I think I’m depressed; that’s the honest down to Earth truth. Today, I just wanted to die. No, this isn’t some crap shit SOB story. It’s about me, a vicious son of a b*tch who wanted to die.

Not surprising actually, in truth.

I also have weird rages where I want to kill someone. Someone who has caused me a great injustice or hurt me so damn bad. My eyes smart from crying and fatigue; people ask, have I gone swimming? Why? Cause I have dark marks under my eyes that look like damn goggles.

So go figure.

And don’t you fucking dare come up to me and say shit about how my life isn’t as bad as some African’s kid’s or your own SOB story in comparison.

Cause in case you hadn’t figured it out; I really don’t give a shit about you. Well, not at that point in time.

I’m rather selfish like that.

But you can deal with it.

Moving on; I’ve always wondered; how would people react if I died?

And I wrote a will that began with; Please play ‘Believe by the All American Rejects” at my funeral.

And I entrust… yadda yadda ectera.

Anyways; I’m going to go finish watching Dragon Wars.

It’s not like anyone reads this anyways so.

I’ve been dining with the enemy; it was a wolf in sheep’s clothing:.

Ponderous: you can’t buy love can you? Maybe sex, yes? Trophy wife? That too. But not love. I look around myspace and around me are these, no offense cause I’m not intending to be so shallowly judgemental but I’m gonna say it to prove my poiint, but all these ugly fat women with their ugly boyfriends. Yet they’re happy. And in love. And then I know these gorgeous girls in my day, all of them with their own lovely corresponding stickers of personality and them? Maybe a crush or two but definitley nothing serious. So what’s the catch here? Is it age? Is it even possibly weight? Is it to be proven that big girls bag the boys?

Anyhow; this coming week is my exam week #1. Exams include English, Biology and Art. And in terms of study? I’m decidedly under studied. Not a good thing considering this counts towards my final exam. Which will probably be a big influence in my oncoming years of life yet I can’t bring myself to study.

So, I’ve watched High School Musical 3 today with the good old youtube. Best thing out? It was high quality

Good movie. Good solid. Good food for thought.
I better go study now;; toodles.

Pavlove;; I’m the invisible “girl” who can’t stop staring at the mirrorrr — I wanna scream I love you from the top of my lungs, But I’m afraid that someone else will hear me. You can only blame your problems on my world for so long // Before it all becomes the same old song …

Ahh, it’s been quite the day. I’m actually at peace for once; rather than my other state of a headless chicken or something along those lines of stress. Basically, I went to the gym this morn; the weights were good but the airwalker was better Then went out and had a lovely lunch with daddy dearest. By golly I honestly love the food of my culture; almost as much as I love my old generation iPod shuffle, Brownie, to bits. Yes, I’ve named… it. Boo you.

Anyhow, basically ( I like that word. Same with the word sporatic),  I’ve got it in mind now that now is the time to lose some weight before winter.  Typical of all girls; usually for all seasons. But whatever, I think I’ve got to start using my initiative again and stop being so damn food orientated.

Moving on; assessments are in 2 friggin weeks and it’s … it’s… ARGH. I have an argh moment almost everyday when I think, I panic and then I do something stupid. Or I let my emotions get the better of me. Man, I sound insane. Maybe I am? You have no idea.

Let me see… what else this week. Ah, the fight with a girl called Loretta Nguyen (yes, I said her name in public ;o. Big whoop.) It’s not really a fight seeing that all she’s doing is ignoring me. So, the story goes, her mother is apparently upset at my mother as her mother, Yen, insults everyone elses daughter and my mum just stood up for those she bags out. Anywho, after this rift, she must’ve told her daughter something nasty that I’ve apparently ( I stress the word APPARENTLY) have done to offend her. So on Tuesday, I notice Loretta, who has been quite a good friend sometimes despite her blatant rude and spoilt manner at times, well, she’s ignoring me. Obviously, my curiosity was piqued; I go over and “confront” her about it.

Q. a) Are you angry at me?

b) Why are you ignoring me.?

Her answers?

A. a) You”ll see.

b) That’s the point.

All I have to say to that is; rude bitch. Anyways, I had a hard week so I kinda broke down; much to my embarrassment mind you. Tears, the works etc. And she walked off; jubilant in my confused pain, a giant grin on her face.

It was obvious she delighted in my misery. And so they say in the song “I don’t Care” by Fall Out Boy — the rest of us find happiness in misery.

I love lyrics.

They prove to be so damn true.

Anyways, signing out; gotta go out for some business studies help cause I absolutely stink at accounting ):

Gah.

Rawrrr.

Hope it gives you hell;; the best of us can find happiness in miseryyy. <3

Mellin says: hmmm

Mellin says: sorry for the late reply

Mellin says: was watching tv.

Mellin says: look ally, i really like you and for a while i liked you more as a friend, but i thought about it and i wouldn’t be the best influence on you.

Mellin says: please discuss this with me

- Capricieux says: I take it that when you say influence; your refering to your, what, apparently deplorable past?

Mellin says: not just that.

Mellin says: i dont really know how to put this….so i wont.

Mellin says: but i dont think id get to see you enough as i want too.

- Capricieux says: Ahh, okay; that’s all I needed to know. Thanks and sorry for bringing this up.

Mellin says: not thats ok.

Mellin says: i should have talked to you about it before.

- Capricieux says: No, I completely understand. It’s all good.

Mellin says: ok.

Mellin says: its nothing really about you. i remember watching you skating, it was one of the most beautiful things ive ever seen, and i dont say that lightly.

- Capricieux says: I have nothing to say but thank you. Anyways, I’ll ttyl; gotta go finish something up. Ciao (:

Mellin says: ok. ill talk to you later

Mellin says: bibibibi!

= Hurt.

“He’s just not all that into you”

“He’s a dickhead; not worth your time”

“He’s right”

I don’t care about ‘he’.

I care about ‘me’.

I’m one selfish bitch and do I know it.

This was the said confrontation. It’s all sorted except now, little boy blue feels awkward to talk to me. But who am I to talk? Msn is such a crappy communicator of body language.

Fall Out Boy was v. v. good though.

So I feel better now.

Yet I’m incredibly jealous of Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson.

Their lives, seem to me, perfect.

Except I’d want a daughter and not a son.

Who am I to talk?

If home is where the heart is then we’re all just f*cked;; I’ll be your #1 with a bullet, a loaded gun complex cock it & pull it

It’s been quite the while since I last posted and in high contrast to the hightail happines, my mood of today is melacholy and woe. Maybe that’s too far; I thought it hit the deep end long ago but I guess that’s the tip of iceberg for you. Basically, I think it’s more hormones or my mentality that requires modification. Remember that boy I was talking about? He confuses me. The world confuses me. Ok ok, so you got it right?

I’M EFFING CONFUSED.

Anywho. So, I assume you’d like to know the tale behind this pathetic heap of lard? So I thought Mr M was quite the most wonderful guy; so passive, so nice, so understanding. And just so cute. Yes I’m shallow, screw you. So yesterday, msn’ing as usual, I ask the most innocent and complex of questions; so, anything new?

And his anwer?

Not particularly. I think I’ve fallen in love with a girl in my class.

Oh that’s wonderful. I guess I should be honoured you trust me with your feelings. I guess my own were never taken into account. So what else can I do but congratulate to you on your newfound joy in life? Oh sweet. Oh the wonders of life. CONGRATULATIONS YOU…

Moving on. So he then goes, it’s just a kiddie crush. Crush? Love? What is this? A simlar differentiation? As far as I’m concerned, they are basically the same though one has definitely a stronger hint of lust than the other. And you go, no. Correct me then why don’t you?

Then you, sorry I mean he, goes; I’m not that interested in her. Or something of that sort. WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? If this is some lame excuse of a pathetic attempt to make me jealous, you have failed oh so badly. I’m probably the most jealous and literal person you will ever meet; one that thinks too much for her own good and ponders, and ponders, and ponders! Until all is undone to the negative. So congratulations boy, you just made me one upset cookie; who comfort eats. Now I’m gonna be some ugly obese depressed son of a ….

Not only that, boy, you go on to explain how much of a dick you used to be. I’VE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE. Do you think your the worst case scenario I’ve faced? You must have some kind of screwed up past to think that. Cause if I still believed that you were a dick and whatever shit, why would I say I like you FOR YOU? And I hate repeating my effing self! THE PAST IS THE PAST. Can’t you get that through your head?? Or maybe you’re hinting we’re not compatible? Is that it? Cause there’s no need to beat around the bush;; just say it to my face! Better hurting now than later right, boy?

You have hurt me without even realising it. I’m upset that you should think that’d I’d still be the one to think you like what you were. I look to you as what you are now. WHY CAN’T YOU EFFING GET THAT? Honestly, dear God. Plus the effing swimming carnival was cancelled again, apparently the 3rd year in a row. So I broke a coat hanger in my folly. And I feel like I’ve broken myself. And eaten way too much for comfort.

Someone just be MY number one with a bullet? Please?

Sometimes I try way too hard to keep on living. It takes effort you know? Anyways, I talked to some people today regarding his behavior. I heard that he only ever went out with sluts and whores For only a week or so. And apparently he didn’t want to hurt me. HURT ME? Damn you, you already did.

Oh and, I conclude with.

If he wants me to think of him as what he WAS then I might just do as such;; only one person is allowed to wallow in self pity and THATS ME.

I shall now go and reconnect with some old P.L.C school friends whom I haven’t talked to for 5 years on Facebook.

And abandon my facebook boycott.

(:

♥ Love me or leave me or rip me apart, This is the voice that I was given and, if you don’t like it, take a long walk off of the shortest pier you can find; And I’ll be singing it out, I’ll be singing~

Yep, it’s been quite a while since I las blogged but I feel I must update now and then you know? X-mas has obviously passed but it was great; New Years @ Milson’s point was, well, the first time I’ve ever been out for New Years so that was pretty great.
And I have to saym yesterday was one of the best days out! Ever.
Besides Taro, of course, it seems human interaction may be needed. In saying that, did I mention that of the male sex? Well, I’ve been long over Mr G and Mr D. Mr M is the new it. Maybe. Hm.
But let me explain this supposedly amazing day.
We had met at Brewhaha 08; sometime in February at this band festival. One look, one greeting, but well things happen. It didn’t take long for a myspace ad but for a long while, not until August at least, did interaction officially began. Msn certainly helped on the scene but to talk to someone but never see them? That was just plain weird. So of course come these 08 – 09 holidays, something had to be done about this little, say, dilemma. And so yesterday, I asked him to come skating which, this time actually worked (previously, I was unceremoniously stood up yet I did not organise it so what can I say?). He came and it was, well, damn nerve wracking. I can’t even remember the last time I was alone with a boy, just me and him, to actually converse. Well I do, but it wasn’t pleasant.
It was actaully quite pleasant once the awkwardness wore off; me? I’m never good with the social life, especially in the male sense. I’m one to be open to those I know though I can’t meet new people very well. So I guess this happening turned out quite well.
It was like, some kind of weird dream. He was such a gentleman and had this absolutely adorable accent. Gentleman-wise, I’m not sure if that was manners or courtesy. Or just him. Gosh. I’m no good at this date-etiquette stuff.
Anyhow, all in all, it was just, wonderful. I felt respected and even, dare I say, liked. By saying that, I don’t mean in the desperate sense. It was just a great day over all.
*sigh*
It’ll bring a smile to my face for a while, remembering. To be treated so well in such sharp contrast to my prick of an ex. My ex looks like an absolute jerk against this passive minded fellow with such good nature.

Check, I’m happy. (: